loving myself

2009-01-04T01:12:00.003+08:00

explainations or excuses i dont know.

should i believe you?
why does my mind says no but my heart yes?
does that mean i still love you?
i dont know anymore..

i could always forget everything and go back to you.
but i dont deny that everything will change..
i have lost whatever trust i've placed in you for the past 2 years..
wont it just make the existing problems we have worst?
how am i to give you the freedom you want without fearing that you will do the same thing to me again?
how can i still carry on a relationship when i wasnt even sure there would be any future at all?
i know you dont like to talk about the future with me..
but right now i dont even know if there would even be a tomorrow..
our differences and goals in life are pulling us apart..
have no one ever told you that what a girl wants is very simple?
i just need somebody to love me properly and give me a sense of security..
i once thought i was the luckiest girl alive..
have i changed or have you not tried to know who i am?
have you changed or was i just imagining your love for me?

why cant my heart give up on you after all the pain you have inflicted on it?
why am i still holding on?..

maybe, just maybe by the time i graduate i would have convinced myself to give up.

THE END

2008-12-30T09:18:00.002+08:00

'if ever we break up, its definitely because of you and another guy"..

the exact words still lingering in my ears..

the image still clear in my memory..

26 months ago..

you came and got me out of a meaningless relationship..
only to throw me deeper into another..

what made you do this to me?
i've never and will never do anything to hurt you so why are you hurting me this way..
is our 2 years relationship worth so little to you? do i mean nothing to you?
you know i will never give up on our relationship unless you do first..
you know how much i've committed..
i refused to give up even when it hurts so much. even if i've to sacrifice everything..
just because you said you still love me.
you need time i give you time.. you want to be alone i left you alone.. without a time limit i hold on just because you said you still love me...
i have told you not just once that if ever you like someone else please let me know.. you know i will hate you if you cheat on me so why did you still do it??
why make me hold on believing its all my fault, believing that if i wait long enough i will find the miracle i'm waiting for?.. why make me suffer when u tried so hard to go after another girl...
a girl you barely know and you are prepared to give me up? all that i've put into the relationship means nothing to you at all? what was going thru your mind when u told me pack and pack of lies?
so what exactly are you going to do with me when you got the girl?
just because she asked you if we are still together you deleted our photos from your friendster?
then why did you purposely leave one? just to satisfy me that i still mean something to you even if its so little? let me tell you, you did it.. i still naively believe that you still love me..

up until last night i still couldn't bring myself to believe that you would do this to me..

2007-05-18T17:29:00.001+08:00

aaahhhhhh... this is the bag i'm dying to get my hands on!!
can anyone tell me if they see any shop retailing for less than $70??

2008-05-17T12:44:00.003+08:00

it all felt like a dream last night. a bad one that is..
but i know its not a dream. my swollen eyes proved it.. i thought i wouldnt be able to sleep but exhausted from all the crying i fell asleep even without myself knowing..
i didnt see it coming and i wasnt prepared for something like that.. what is it that we cannot solve together? unless the problems u have is me.. you want to take a break from me to be alone.. to find yourself back to love me like before.. we are already meeting once a week and you are only calling me once a day for a short while.. and i am still disrupting your life so much that you wan to stay away from me totally?
if it's really the case i cant help but think the problem you are facing and troubling you is me..
when you told me its something at home i was guilty that i wasnt helping you but instead giving you more problems by throwing temper and all.. so i bought your fav food and waited outside your house for hours and bitten by mosquitoes all over only to find out you've friends coming over for mahjong.. it seems to me when you're with them (all your friends) your troubles are not there and only when you are with me that you dont feel like talking dont feel like going anywhere, doing anything.. you said you didnt ask them over, they wanted to go over and play and you cant reject cos you have to give face and all.. but what abt last night? you went over to your friend's place for mahjong! dont blame me for sounding so sarcastic over the phone.. you always say you are tired, dont feel like meeting, dont feel like talking but its becoming clearer to me that its only to me..
i dont know how long this break you want is going to take and i really dont know long will it be before i breakdown..
meanwhile i can only cry myself to sleep thinking where is the man i loved gone and if he still loves me..

2007-08-21T15:47:00.000+08:00

think i've forgotten that i even own a blog haha. been so long since i've updated anything in here. always thought that after dear go army i'll have lots of time but dont know why i'm still quite busy all the time. guess i spent most of my time missing him (not shopping). things are getting better for now and yup i feel like there is a possibility that this two years will not be as bad as i imagine as long as things keeps going well for us (:
love you baby..

2007-06-01T16:27:00.000+08:00

my dearest, thanks for giving me such a wonderful birthday. i really really appreciate everything you have done for me (:
must have taken lots of your time preparing the food and inviting people right? and i was still complaining that you're so busy those few days and neglecting me..

dear i know i have to grow up and stop behaving like a little girl, always wanting your attention and need you to take care of me always.. i will learn to be more independent i promise..
i really miss you dear.. havent had the chance to tell you how much i love you and the chicken wings you made and there you go.. to malaysia for your diving trip.. if you had told me we're having bbq that night i wouldn't have ate so much before that! haha will fill my stomach with all your chicken wings (:

i know that necklace have been with you for many many years.. i will cherish it and wear it all the time :)
the tears that night, they are really tears of joy. the joy of having you walk into my life 7 months and 24 days ago. god is really kind to me..

2007-05-22T10:36:00.000+08:00

hate the midnight charges of taxis!!
so yesterday was my first day working at Connoisseur Divan (:
overall its quite a nice job EXCEPT for the hefty taxi fare..
its a relax job but i wont say its easy at all.
basic things like washing the glasses serving drinks still okay but when it comes to taking orders i'm screwed. half the time the customers are like speaking in another language when ordering drinks (glenmorangie burgundy, double, one ice). think i will take years to learn all the liquor's name.
but its really fun working there cos i get to taste the liquor! heh. when a customer ordered BAILEYS yesterday i asked my collegue how does it taste like cos he ordered on the rocks so he say we can taste the liquor if we want not a glass but just a small sip. and so it taste like vanilla coffee haha think its some sweet alcohol probably barley? with milk added.
its a new experience working there and learning new things which i dun noe if i will ever get to use haha probably become an expert ordering nice drinks in future *grins*

2007-05-18T08:48:00.000+08:00

survived another day without baby..
today willl be a rather busy day i guess..

have to go down to school for a few things...
-photoshoot
-briefing

shud start sleeping early and waking up late
days will become shorter and who knows wednesday will be tomorrow!

i miss you..

the list

2007-05-17T11:03:00.000+08:00

my dear is so sweet! and i miss him so much alre. this is like just the first day of a week.. cant wait for him to return from aus.. anyway he expected that it will be hell for me 1 week without him so he prepared a list of things for me to do while he's away! althought i seriously dont think its enough to last me a whole week.. cause just last night i've alre finished watching pirates of the carribean 1 and 2 with my sis and my dad. and here i am updating my blog as he have asked me to.. haha that's 2 out of 9 things done! not mentioning the last thing which is to think of him cause i'm always thinking of him!

i received a call from jerry last night (while i was sleeping) saying that alan ask him to call me and talk to me whenever he's free cause he's afraid i'll be too bored.
so sweet of him..

i assume he came up with this idea on his own and not adapted from.. (PS, I Love You)
cause my baby dont like to read storybooks.. (not even Roald Dahl or Enid Blyton when he's young) -_-"
BABY i miss you so much! esp saying goodnite to you before i sleep everynight..
love you! and have lots of fun in australia (:

2007-04-10T01:49:00.000+08:00

u have no idea just how many films i've watched these few days. cos i'm at home all day long with nothing to do. haha cant believe i actually stayed home for 5 days straight except to go out to buy food. never thought i could be the home girl material. anyway i'm bored of staying home. cant wait to start school so i can be free from all the horrible housework. stomach's aching again.. time to go to bed!

2007-04-05T14:13:00.000+08:00

we had a very interesting discussion last night and till now this topic is still stuck in the little brain of mine. you always say i think too much and i think you are right. i'm a gemini for god sake! The third sector of the zodiac reflects the principles of intelligence and communication—the way people express themselves. have a wonderful love of the written word, as well as the spoken, and will often find yourself putting pen to paper and doodling your thoughts, if only to give you an insight into your own thinking processes.

now, let me reveal the topic of the day: infidelity.
i've been thinking all night and all morning too. all these while men have been the one at the receiving end of all the lashing regarding infedelity, which is cheating in simpler term. (suddenly feel like i'm back in MI writing my GP essay)
it's said that in nature, the male species tries to spread its "seed" to as many females as possible. females on the other hand are driven to turn down most suiters until the ideal one comes along. this process is known as natural selection and it ensures that the strongest genes are passed on to the next generation. is it really in the genes that all men will cheat given the opportunity? i'm too lazy to find out statistics what more this is not a GP essay. but from what i know and heard, it's not an uncommon thing for men to cheat. there's no gender discrimination here, i'm not generalizing that only men cheat. i believe there are women out there who cheats on the boyfriends and husbands too. it's just that i'm curious what are guys thinking.
dear, last night you defended your friend for cheating on his girlfriend (no names will be mentioned), all the excuses you stated, as far as i'm concerned are not valid. not even a teeny weeny bit. it will not be valid in his case neither will it be on you. if you ever plan to tell me any of those filmsy excuses, i think we're having major problems here.
what shocked me the most was what you said just before i said i love you and hung up the phone. being together for a long time in a relationship and getting bored, looking for excitement is the lousiest excuse i've heard. and it actually came from you.. if you can't even stay faithful and committed to the relationship in that few short years, how are you going to stay faithful to your wife for 40, 50 years when you get married? if you love your wife enough, you will not hurt her so badly by cheating on her and if you dont love her enough, dont marry her in the first place!
and the reason why boyfriends strays, the only reason is they are not committed to the relationship.
dear, you still remember the time you said you will be committed to our relationship? i believe you and i hope you mean it. by now you should know me well enough. what i dont like and what will get me angry and all riled up. cheating is one thing i cannot condone. (worse than lying).
i dun know what you were thinking when you tried to defend your friend.that cheating is normal, is okay and should be condone? the law doesnt say that men can cheat, so it's not okay.
lets hope we're on the right foot on this..

2007-03-26T15:13:00.000+08:00

and my job hunting starts today!! (:
i know it's a little too late since school's starting soon BUT money is never enough!! best is can find a job that can allow me to work even after school start and i think i just found one. still waiting for reply.. *cross fingers and pray hard*

2007-03-25T02:37:00.000+08:00

you promised you will not lie to me no matter what didnt you.. are you keeping your promise?
it's quite pointless in trying to interrogate you cause its either i believe you, or no matter what explaination you have, i will still be having doubts..
what's going thru my mind right now is, are you really at home like you said? in the living room studying so u cant talk to me on msn or on the phone but can only sms me.. or are you actually outside right now? i dont want to ask, neither am i waiting for an answer.. i only know i'm going off to bed..
anyway tks for the dinner and for driving me home..

you always tell me i'm thinking too much,
perhaps..

2007-02-24T17:49:00.000+08:00

one down three more to go before liberation. not really actually. stupid camp's right after exam for three days.. i'm so gonna miss him.. wonder where he will go when i'm not around.. will he miss me?
maybe lin is really right. the honeymoon period is over. its approaching our fifth month. i've been so used to seeing him almost everyday. talking to him on the phone every night even when we aren't really talking i'm contented enough to just know that he's there. so used to all these that its so difficult for me to adjust. so why cant the honeymoon period last forever? i guess he needs some time for himself too.. and now what i really need to learn fast is to trust him. trust that he still love me as much as before even when he's not showing it. trust that he will uphold his promise to quit smoking.
dear, i do love you for who you are and not what you do but its your health i'm most concern about. not the act of smoking, its the effect of it. i dun want to see you end up like my dad u understand?
tks girls for all ur concerns i really appreciate that. i'm alright.. just take it as i'm pms-ing? haha i really want to sun tan!

"It's not that I can't live without you, It's that I don't even want to try."

2007-02-22T15:42:00.000+08:00

memories of the past keeps coming back to haunt me..
i feel just like i'm back to the past..
constantly waiting.. expecting calls or sms..
i know u're different from him.. i also know i shouldn't even think of him..
it's just that these days u seem so busy.. so unwilling to talk to me on the phone..
just like him..
i also dun wan to be so immature i also want to grow up i also want to be confident of myself.. but the past experiences has made me very insecure.. i need more assurance than you can ever imagine.. it's not that i'm not confident of myself.. its more like i have no confidence in relationships.. its something i cannot have control over.. love fades just as quickly as it comes and even if u're most unwilling to let go you can never hold on to it..
i can always make it easy for you and not give you any problems again..
i can always go back and be the 24 hrs available girlfriend.. its not like i've never done it before.. u can call when u please and i will always be available.. i wont call you anymore so that i wont be disappointed and you wont be disturbed..
anyway i'm quite used to it.. it always happens when i'm too free.. i use to fit into everybody's schedule to fill up the empty spaces.. maybe i should really go back to working and studying again. it's the best way to keep me occupied from thinking too much and its been proven ny me.. not like it never happened before.. dun it just sound like the same old me again?

2007-02-21T14:52:00.000+08:00

the weather looks good today. made my bed this morning which is rather unusual. even mum said so. showered and watch sesame street. and there i saw the weighing machine so out of curiosity i weigh myself and guess what? *smug* i lost 2 kg! i thought i would gain weight during cny but surprisingly i lost some. must be yesterday din eat anything the whole day.. no appetite. and here i can hear mum saying i will die of malnurition if i dun eat properly yadayada.. ate a little bit of noodles and i'm so full. feels like overload for my poor stomach. i seem to study better in the nite. afternoons always feel so lazy.. tonight is mugging nite again.

2007-02-19T23:08:00.000+08:00

sometimes i have to learn to trust you
sometimes i have to force myself to believe ur lies
sometimes i have to battle with myself to not question you
sometimes i have to cry myself to sleep
sometimes i hate myself for calling to check on you only to find out things that i dun want to know
sometimes i hate myself for thinking too much

something's telling me something's changed.
maybe i'm no longer your first priority.
maybe you are loving me lesser and lesser.
maybe i'm becoming more and more unreasonable.
maybe its not just that i'm over-sensitive?
maybe its because i can clearly compare your attitude from the past and the present?

i know something is different.
i know from the way u look into my eyes
i know from the way u talk to me nowadays.
i know from the way u hold my hands and hug me.
i know from the way u say I LOVE YOU every nite.

i hear it everyday but recently something's different.
u dun have to say it if u dun mean it.
but can you please tell me what is the something?
because i'm getting fustrated
tired of guessing.
if its because u're tired of seeing me everyday
we can stay apart for a while
i know i need to get use to it soon too..

loves

2007-02-15T03:43:00.000+08:00

after 6 roses i have 10 tulips!! (:
had dinner at chijmes' la cave restaurant and wine bar
darling spent a bomb. love you!

there's nothing more i can ask for..
for i have you..
loves"

2007-02-06T14:52:00.000+08:00

something's wrong with me. my eyes just keep tearing plus all the crying i think i might be going blind real soon.
what is causing these insecurities i'm experiencing?
could be i'm becoming skeptical about love.
no serious problems between us its just me.
always heading for an arguement, always making a mountain out of a molehill.
sometimes i think its just too good to be true, too good that i can never imagine life in the future without him. then again even marriage of many years doesnt last what makes me think we can.

headache

2007-01-25T14:38:00.000+08:00

bought a levi's jean yesterday!
and watched a stupid movie which i don't even know the name. okay hold on. let me check.
Apocalypto. the most horrible show ever! i dun even want to comment on it. if you want to know exactly how dumb it is, go watch it.
going for a haircut with dear later.
everytime before i snip my hair i always have this internal struggle.
to cut or not to cut.
had a few really bad experiences and i totally have no intention of disclosing any photos to prove my point. but this time my hair is really getting too long and i want to try a new look before cny. and i mean a new look. i know there's some time i said i'm going for a haircut but it turn out to be nothing more than trimming. and not to mention it cost a bomb.
oh no. need to make this fast, meeting dear soon.
i want to complain! this lady, the parent of my tutee is too much! all i want now is to get rid of her. i dun wan to teach anymore. argh. help me anyone.

unbelievable

2007-01-22T22:35:00.000+08:00

forgot to tell u guys i took up the tuition assignment! haha. today's the first lesson and kind of just bluff my way through.. ohmygod. wanted to start accounts today but my tutee said he din bring his a/cs book home so ask me can teach Emaths not... what to do... cannot say no so just try my VERY best to teach him. been 2 years since i touched maths. and u people should how how atrocious my maths can be haha. to think i'm teaching people Emaths now is totally
un-be-li-va-ble!
any its the first chapter on algebra factorization. kind simple so still can cope but the truth is when i'm teaching him im like learning it myself also. naughty serene. but the next and the next and the next chapters? there's no way i can be so lucky to bluff my way through all the time. so? other than studying my own poly modules i still have to study Emaths! argh. swear i will quit after one month's up and find a better assignment WITHOUT Emaths and ONLY accounts.
its freaking far i realise and i took the wrong direction of train home and ended up in bukit batok. so tired when i reach home finally and i still have to rush report later (come here to vent my fustrations first).
anyway i love online overseas shopping! just rec' my first mechandise which is my pretty 8cm high heel haha. but promise to save money already so must limit myself. maybe 2 months den can order one time? i wan to order moreeeee shoeeees. hee..
shit. i hate periods. they give me bad cramps and cravings for sinful food. the EXPIRED box of ferrero rochers from "someone" sitting on the table looks tempting but... ... no nononono! should have thrown it away long ago but it means alot to me. the first time he surprised me like this haha although it's expired i still love it. but i still love you the most baby. i know i've been giving u really bad attitudes these days but its really not all my fault ok? just take it that i'm pms-ing alright? sorry..

way of life

2007-01-19T16:59:00.002+08:00

i don't mind a hectic lifestyle if i'm the rich or the famous. but the sad truth is, i'm neither.
this week's the writen ICA. generally satisfied with my performance cause it comes with the extra effort to start revision earlier than usual.
pls note: usual means one day before test but most of the time just the night before.
its amazing how i manage to come so far, don't you think?
anyway back to my hectic shedule. although written exams are over but there's still projects due every single week and semestral exam after CNY. going to study my ass off cause i'm actually quite curious to find out how much difference would it make between mugging in advance, and the usual, last minute cramming.
threatening dark clouds are hovering above me right now. to think this afternoon the sun was still trying to bake me alive. and i thought the rainy season is supposed to be over soon? i miss suntanning. seems like ages since i last tan and my skin color totally sucks now and i want that sunkissed skin right now! now! now!
just received a call from nasarath about the tuition assignment. but first its too far and second the pay is pathetic so i gave it up. i'm really desperate for a job now i need the moolah, the Almighty Dollar!

amour

2007-01-05T01:30:00.000+08:00

okay i admit i'm guilty of indulging too much in online shopping. god. must put a stop to all these alrd. i bought a pair of shoe and tons of make up haha. currently in the kind of mood to try new stuffs and start experimenting.
alright i know new year is over 5 days alrd but here's my new year resolution for 2007!
i think i mentioned this last year alrd but still it time to learn how to save moneee! next will be to spend more time with dear cos i know i'll miss him so badly once he goes ns which is pretty soon.. i love you baby u make me feel like i'm the happiest girl on earth, esp yesterday. i still dun noe wad happened to u but more importantly all i wan is that everyday will be like yesterday. i feel so loveeed! hee..

back to the resolutions. next i would like to lose some more weight. target will be set at 40kg. and not forgetting to do better for this semester or at least maintain the grade.

lastly i pray for world peace so that i can go to bangkok during the hols (:

christmas day

2006-12-25T19:38:00.000+08:00

this year's christmas is special.

because i have you with me.

i love you!

the year is coming to an end soon and there's a few things i would like to thank for..

to lin lin: thanks for being such a supportive friend and my deepest apologies for all the disappointments i've caused..

to ying hui: i thank god for a friend like you!

to anne: really glad to know that we've not forgotten each other (:

to ai ling and pei chien: haven been able to meet up with u girls but i want you both to know that this friendship will always be cherished.

to dear: i just want to spent every second of my waking (and sleeping) hours with you. haha just dun complain u see me see until sian alre alrights? love you..

greyness

2006-12-11T23:41:00.000+08:00

why wouldn't the headache go away? its totally irritating the hell out of me and causing me to throw tantrums occasionally. its not exactly spiltting headache but more like my head is feeling so heavy its weighing me down..

putting that aside, i think i've become very dependent on darling unknowingly.. and its a BAD thing. i've got to learn to be independent again. i dun wan to be always looking for him cos he might find it irritating and think i'm restricting him and i dun wan to imagine making him my everything and having to face it should he ever leaves me..

what more it seems to me that as days passes by, i seem to be missing him more than he misses me...